promised island

me thinks is ready:)

2012-01-19T23:53:00.001Z

ani lo mevina xmas

2011-12-24T23:52:00.002Z

I think xmas is one of those many things I do not understand in this world. Something to do with the god that became a man and a man that became a god and hence that god become his own son and his own father so we can now go on the shopping spree, eat and drink like animals, have time of work to, perhaps, try to figure out how that only and one god the Christians believe in is in fact 2 or 3 people that additionally tend to talk to each other in various situations. Catholics are the worst with this nonsense, because the god they believe in was never very kin on them worshipping idols, paintings, figurines and whatnots... almost as they were always so very kin on doing precisely the opposite, with their elaborated processions, gowns and rituals.
But before anybody will jump on me saying that I am mocking the religious festival and offending some religious feelings whatever the heck that means, check if you are not the one who is mocking it.

Let's start with the freaking xmas tree... what does the silver spruce have to do with the birth of Jesus? As much as birth of Jesus has to do with xmas, ie. not much.
Decorated tree has more to do with pagan rituals, Santa with the Coca-Cola company and and the whole birthday of god who was also a human and his own father from a virgin mother as it happens (in certain bees I think), it's a story created in Roman Empire for the benefit of creating a rival holiday to Solum Invictis and number of other pagan celebrations of this particular time of the year. When the night is the longer and the day is the shorter and the world is changing again in that perpetual circle of life.

As much as anybody wants to defend the right to celebrate whatever religious festival in open, I wish year in and year out that during the xmas period I could find myself in a sweet oblivion of religious non-existence, away from flashing lights, xmas carols, gift ideas, xmas offers, xmas food, xmas atmosphere.
Grrrr... I hate xmas.
Have a happy one.

I love this moment

2011-12-04T21:03:00.001Z

when you think that there is no way... that you can't love any more. that you can't love any longer. that it has been too much for too long. that it has been too hurtful too bothersome too exhausting. that you cannot give any more. and then it hits you that it was nothing. that now, especially now you can. love more, give more, think twice. i wish it never happened to me again. i wish it happened to me always.

so...desperately

2011-11-03T21:49:00.002Z

biochemistry

2011-11-02T04:01:00.000Z

the reason I am writing this is just to remember. exact time and date. and how it happened. although you cannot be sure when you are half asleep and half awake.
last time it was christmas time. two or three years ago. I can't tell. then before, I am pretty certain it happened in 2006. and it had to happen also around 2001. the rest merges together into a shapeless blob.

it could have been that terrible hauling of the fox outside my window. or the sudden flash of the automatic light. but I got scared. I got scared so much that the adrenaline pumped suddenly to my body made both fight or flight impossible. instead my body collapsed and I could only vomit in violent spasms. until I couldn't breathe.

I try to put all my scattered focus and attention back to that shaking body on the bathroom floor and help it to breathe again. the question is, what for. do I really want that? but it sucks me back again and all I can think of is that terrible thirst. I lift the body up to the sink allowing it to drink.

I take the body downstairs and in the dark kitchen I find cigarettes. I smoke one trying to put together thrown pages of my thoughts and calm the hands from shaking. I smoke the second one. half-barking half-hauling of the fox outside my window. as if it was in pain. in grief. or as if it was calling for something.

it could have been that terrible hauling of the fox outside my window. or the sudden flash of the of the automatic light. or that total and entire realisation that I am never going to see him again. although you cannot be sure when you are half asleep and half awake.

I am sorry I woke you up.

fiction-non-fiction aka how do you know you exist

2011-10-17T11:43:00.001Z

It will be a fair statement to start with the fact that I was born. That would place me straight away in the certain place at the certain time. Out of cold vacuum of non-existence. Out of me being just pixels forming letters on your computer screen. And will also explain many things that happened later that tend to be collectively called 'life'.

So I was born. Not with any significant input from my part. Despite the fact that the strange force that was driving the mitosis of my cells and that left the imprint in the form of the will of live in my body might have been caused by my sole existence itself, some people believe it to be G*d. Or rather his creative act. If one considers the nature to be some sort of creative act of His then I am fine with this. Whatever.

So I was born on Monday. In fact, I was not only born on Monday but it is more than likely I was also conceived on Monday and by 14th of September, which also happens to be Monday my mother could've decided that she wanted to have a legal abortion which she didn't. For my mother there is no such thing as legal abortion.

I should have been grateful for my chance to live, especially to my mother who went through the hardships of pregnancy, despite the fact that she was told not to have children, after my older sister was born over 9 years earlier. Yes, I definitely should be grateful. But instead, 3 months before I was born I crushed my mother pelvic bones and then the doctors had to rip me out of her womb. Perhaps it is because of that I had never have a good connection with my mother. Perhaps this is why she hated me throughout most of my life. Or at least this is what I thought. This is what I was convinced about. And this is why with the fist opportunity I had, I left her and my father and our house and since that time I have no place to call home. Paradoxically I feel at home everywhere.

I was born in the place with the name so long and complicated that it is almost impossible to be pronounced by most people. Traditionally, the place was always a troubled one and every couple of hundred years it belonged to either Poles or Germans. And before that it belonged collectively to the tribes of Slaves who spoke a strange mixture of Polish-German and some Vikings fed up with their homeland.

My parents were also born there but it was only the outcome of the troubled history of the country I was born in. Most of those people who live in my city are not actually from there. My mum and my dad were the only ones out of their large group of siblings to be born in so called 'recovered territories'. My dad's family was from Krakow and my mom's from Lviv. Their families lived there for hundreds of years. Some of them spoke Polish and German, some of them Russian. The others Yiddish which happens to be a resultant of them all.

My parents were not something that you could call the love from the first sight. If you could call it 'love' at all.But they managed to stay together through all those years miraculously and now I have nothing but respect for that, despite the fact that for 18 years of my life I was suffering when there were under the same roof. And I was mostly blaming my mother for all that suffering and unhappiness.

I have learned however not to see everything in black and white. I guess it's a process of growing up, when you suddenly realise that the world is created from all the shades of grey. One of the reasons I started studying law. One of the reasons I was always attracted to academia.

Crushing my mother's pelvic bones before I even used my lungs for the first time, began the string of crushing activities in my life. Very innocently and totally subconsciously, I developed the taste for crushing people. And despite the fact that I now seriously think I am not made for relationships, I spent most of my adult life being in them.

And they were always too melodramatic, too hurtful, too long.

And then he arrived in my life. He was my birthday present. The worst present I ever got. Trust me, I have never had a feeling of looking at someone and instantly feeling love and lust on so many levels. He did to me whatever he wanted. In bed, in everyday life. He had such power over me that I was craving for the whole pain and suffering and humiliation. To the extend I got addicted to it. And so when he left whilst promising he will be back and then nothing would ever separate us, I was mad from sadness but in a way aroused by the whole prospect of waiting. Needless to say, he has never come which obviously crushed me. But before that I managed to destroy him in my usual way.

Several days ago someone told me that I was such an amazing woman. That I was so strong.

That made me upset on so many levels.

First... in my head, I consider myself still a girl, still a child and a 'woman' sounds so crude and false at the same time.

Secondly, I have no idea where the impression of strength is coming from. Perhaps it's because I cry only when no ones sees me, perhaps, as my boss said to me lately.... 'you take no bullshit'. But the truth is.... I am tired. Most of the time. I am tired of myself, I am tired of doing things for people I am tired of making them happy, I am tired of lying to them every now and then, that yes.... everything is fine... everything is brilliant.

The truth is.... I want to be loved not knowing what that really is. I am guessing it is a pleasant feeling that involves as little crushing as possible. And that it requires learning process. At least for me, so I could love back. And some patience despite the fact I am a quick learner. But perhaps I demand too much from love. As my sister said to me I am sorry, I cannot love you the way you want to be loved.

Hearing something like that from your own sister could potentially put you in the state of minor depression. Potentially I have a minor depression that every now and then I am trying to kill by a little bit of too much of red wine, a little bit of too much unskilled singing, a little bit of too much solitude and seclusion, a little bit too much of sleep or sleep deprivation, not enough of long distance running and horseback riding.

For the past 10 months I haven't been kissed passionately. And no one really held my hand with love. I have a lover that I see very rarely but he never kisses me and he doesn't hold my hand. He makes me laugh every now and then. He does everything possible for me not to fell in love with him because there is no way that he could ever love me. He does a pretty good job at it.

Well... I think this is enough for Monday morning fiction.

to my best friend

2011-09-18T02:57:00.000Z

In last two months I travelled more than in the past year. For many reasons. If anybody asks me, my home is in Lake District, with love, warmth and kids and sisters. But Kensington is different. I see myself in her crazy-blue eyes and at that moment I realise how much I have been missing her. How perfect she is. How warm. How funny. How talented. We start the sentence in Polish, go through English and German, end up with Spanish. She says: Vamos! I say: Beseder! She dreams and follows it, I choke on: Wǒ zhēn de hěn xiǎng qù zhōngguó.But I did already, yeah? So no worries here. I truly love her. She is so special to me. If she only knew.... if she knew... of course she knows. I send her postcards from wherever I go. But I only realise how much I have missed her when I see her. And her smile. And listen to her voice. Zmijo.... you are the best friend one could wish for. And I love you so.

the happy, funny, strange and abrupt cases in life

2011-06-01T12:26:00.000Z

-אחת, שתים, שלוש, ארבע

!הזמין אל לך אישה – בחר בה

,אל תתמהמה, אל תאחר

.שמא יקדמך אחר

-אף אנוכי דבש מצאתי

.אך-לא בא אל-פי ושפתי

:שתים היו לאלמנה

.אחת שחורה ואחת לבנה

,לא עלמות – מרגליות

,פרדות נאות ויפיפיות

-אשרי מי שראה פניהן

.ואני אהבתי שתיהן

,אך אין מגיד, אך אין פותר

.מי מהן אהבתי יותר

,עברה עת, לא אדע כמה

.ואתמהמה, ואתמהמה

-פתאום בא השד וחטפן

.שד גדל-בלורית ושד גדל-שפם

,ואני נשארתי, גולם

רווק זקן עד העולם

ומכאן לכל – הנערים

:מוסר השכל ומישרים

-אחת, שתים, שלוש, ארבע

!הזמין אל לך אישה – בחר בה

,אל תתמהמה, אל תאחר

.שמא יקדמך אחר

Hayyim Nahman Bialik

the Portrait of a Woman

2011-05-31T19:30:00.001Z

She must be willing to please.
To change so that nothing should change.
It's easy, impossible, hard, worth trying.
Her eyes are if need be now deep blue, now gray,
dark, playful, filled for no reason with tears.
She sleeps with him like some chance acquaintance, like his one and only.
She will bear him four children, no children, one.
Naive yet giving the best advice.
Weak yet lifting the weightiest burdens.
Has no head on her shoulders but will have.
Reads Jaspers and ladies' magazines.
Doesn't know what this screw is for and will build a bridge.
Young, as usual young, as always still young.
Holds in her hands a sparrow with a broken wing,
her own money for a journey long and distant,
a meat-cleaver, poultice, and a shot of vodka.
Where is she running so, isn't she tired?
Not at all, just a bit, very much, doesn't matter.
Either she loves him or has made up her mind to.
For better, for worse, and for heaven's sake.

Wislawa Szymborska

re-quoting quotes

2011-05-27T14:27:00.001Z

Friend of a friend describing something commonly known as 'hangover':

"I'm not sure if i will manage to handle another night out...at the moment im still experiencing gait ataxia, diplopia, frontal headache, resting tremor and gastro-intestinal disturbances following last night..."

nothing extraordinary

2011-05-26T13:31:00.002Z

I am already awake but I refuse to stand up from the bed. His presence next to me, his warmth and scent of last night in the room binds me and paralyse me with the feeling, almost as if with the fear that my breath could destroy this fragile moment.

I much rather listen to his breath a little longer. Delicately touch his black curls, kiss his shapely shoulders. He murmurs something in the language I love and turns to me. I know he would awake any minute now, but for now he holds me in between his arms. My whole world.

What happens next is between me and him. Perhaps partly also between us and the annoyed neighbours. Makes us both hungry.

He makes us coffee and omelette with mushrooms and cheese and I dice the tomatoes and slice the cucumber for the salad, warming up the pita in the oven and watching Al Jazeera English.

Missing this comes naturally.

this morning

2011-05-18T10:28:00.001Z

I love waking up with the sun, the resonance of orchestral music around Southbank, and the London Eye in my face;
I feel free once more, free of the unbearable, cruel weight of hankering emotions and liaisons. Not again.
My footsteps are light, you are not special enough to even try to change that.
Hui-Ping Ong
My friend and inspiration.

last Friday was like that

2011-05-17T07:22:00.000Z

But better.

And I am so in love....
Well... I think we all are.

dedicated from the bottom of my heart...

2011-05-15T13:05:00.003Z

... to my lovely ex, whose last e-mail about 'working hard' whilst 'taking care of all needs' of a puma in Bolivia, the poorest country in South America, reminds me of that:

Thank you, good night.

P.S.
My best friend hastens to add to your attention the episode of South Park about the animal lovers... PETA oh well:).

you would think

2011-05-11T23:56:00.000Z

I have a life. In my inbox.
Everything I wanted and everything I dreamed of...
Locked in meaningless words....
No way to carry on.
No one to believe...

the power of good-bye

2011-04-29T09:49:00.000Z

Incidentally I have it.
Death. In the box. Whole 10g of it.
I have an escape, a solution, total indifference, overwhelming immunity to everything around me. The act of an ultimate selfishness.
The sheer look at it makes me very quiet and very calm. And so powerful.
And so I would look at it. For now. Until it sleeps.

...and justice for all

2011-04-28T13:46:00.000Z

Feeling slightly disappointed with the world today. With the world of violence, injustice, crime, hate and greed. Greed above of else.
What civilization does not allow people to travel and move freely just because they were born in the boundaries of one country, settle wherever they want, punish them for their work which should be their right not a crime?
What civilization allows death that could easy be prevented?
Our species is probably the only concious one on this planet and yet so indifferent. Sometimes, for one reason or the other, the burden of it smashes my faith in the humanity and progress.
The reasons for fiscal crises, credit crunches and financial depression is not caused by the migration of people. At the end, we were travelling from the early beginning of our existence and this planet is not too small to feed and host all of us.

And yet there is so much beauty in this world. So much love and so much happiness despite of all.
Innocence is the most precious thing you posses. Loose that and you loose your soul.

Israeli Backpackers and Their Society: A View From Afar

2011-04-27T15:32:00.001Z

Kinda saw this and smiled a little.
Amazon.com: Israeli Backpackers and Their Society: A View From Afar (Suny Series in Israeli Studies) (9780791464977): Chaim Noy, Erik Cohen: Books

3 things made him happy today

2011-04-20T13:06:00.000Z

Coming here.
The look on his children's faces when he came from work.
Making his wife breakfast in bed.

after the Imbolc

2011-03-25T11:30:00.000Z

I am already grateful for what is going to happen.
Somewhere out there, I exist with all the abundance I already carry in my heart and mind.
If time is just another dimension, then in the future, everything I hoped for is already a material being. And I can connect to that and feel what future me feels. I know what future me knows. I experience everything my future self experiences. Even my own death. Each second is just another universe created and happening because I am able to name it, see it, taste it, watch it, discover it, feel it.

I have no idea how many times he climbed the Everest. I didn't have the opportunity to ask. He saw many people in the past. Those confident human beings, with firm walk and even more firm hand shake. And then he saw them in their transformation when the mountain humbled them, undressed them from any self defense mechanisms when it strips them from their confidence, they nurtured all their lives. When the mountain destroyed them and re-created them.
'Funny', he says 'how different people look when they are here and then out there'.
He sees her already in that base camp. With dried lips, red nose, legs that shake from tiredness and victorious smile on her face. Knowing exactly what would happen next.
He sees people in that other dimension. Just a glimpse at them and then glimpse in the future.

She saw her life before in those short films that people called 'deja vous'. Frame by frame, insignificant episodes, displayed in front of her eyes, quite randomly with no particular order or frequency, only to disappear in a millisecond. Enough for her to think she was going mad and then quickly explaining to herself the beauty of human biochemistry. The electrical impulses on her nervous system. Slightly delayed due to tiredness. Everyone has one. Every once in a while.

His whisper sounds like a purl of water from the mountain spring.
Fresh and cold water washes the pebbles giving them smooth polish. It catches the sun rays that in return dress it in gold and silver sparkles. His eyes are closed when he draws his lips nearer to the shining and murmuring surface of the water. His hands immersed in the body of the river. His long fingers slipped inside her. And he drunk her greedily from his thirst and the part of her filled his body and his insides with the cool, refreshing spirit of her own. He stood up and looked at the twinkling ribbon underneath his feet. She whisper to him and he whispered to her.
'You will not stop me', they said to each other. 'You cannot change me'.

I knew I am going to die because of water way before I eventually did. Perhaps that knowledge rid me of any concerns or fears. I could fell of the rock or drive like a maniac, and although my body reacted naturally with the adrenaline rush, I could not say that I ever feared any of those. Not even those people who think they can dominate you by force, pain and rope. I did not fear them neither. And so, if anybody came to me and informed me that tomorrow would be my 'D-day', I would carry on as normal. At the end we all do. It's just some people have an extended period of carrying on as to compare to others.

Thig an nathair as an toll
Là donn Brìde,
Ged robh trì troighean dhen t-sneachd

Ēostre and Freja
Air leac an làir.

the lord with no ring

2011-03-18T15:03:00.001Z

'I feel thin... sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to.'

the Luck

2011-03-02T14:01:00.000Z

If you have food in the fridge, if you wear clothes, have a roof above your head and place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of world's population.

If you have money on your bank account or in your valet, and a bit of change in the pocket you are in the 8% of the richest people of the world.

If you woke up today feeling well rather than ill, you are more lucky than around 1 mln people who will not survive this week.

If you never experienced dangers of war, if you never suffered prison, torture or horrible ordeal of famine, you are more lucky than those 500 mln who live and suffer.

If you are able to read what is written above, you are more lucky than 3 bln people who cannot read at all.

Luck.
You have more of it than you think.

daily portion of Dalai Lama

2011-03-02T11:27:00.001Z

'The key to genuine happiness is in our hands. To think this way is to discover the essential values of kindness, brotherly love and altruism. The more clearly we see the benefits of these values, the more we will seek to reject anything that opposes them; in this way we will be able to bring about inner transformation.'

son of the blue Sky(e)

2011-03-01T16:41:00.000Z

Every time of midnight
Every time we muddle again
Hold on lovely memories
Every sound you bring out
Every time we suffer again
Holding lovely memories

Every stand of no way
Every town we muddle again
Call, I hold your memories
Every game of no sence
Every shame we offer in game
Hold on lovely memory

Son of the blue sky...

Every time of midnight
Every time we muddle again
Call and hold flash memory
Every time of midnight
Every time of midnight
Call and hold flash memory

I'd rather say
Feeding some birds lost in a cage
Kicking one's heels having no way to go
Strolling musicians up on the way
Pulling one's leg having no way to go
Feeding some birds lost in a cage there
Beeing so free, finding the way to be
Wondering how smart it happens to be, happens to be

Son of the blue sky...

It's Your Life

2011-03-01T15:36:00.000Z

good times

the Earthquake

2011-03-01T15:34:00.000Z

The darkness after dusk, dressed up in the cold mist and crisp air was refreshingly awakening. Like a scream that hangs from the silence of the night. In my corner of the world at this time of the year, shy February sunshine managed to slip through the graphite veil of clouds during the day, announcing the spring that was approaching far too slowly, discouraged by showers and gales. But the nights resembled those of the winter time and yet, you could almost hear that the earth breathes faster with excitement for a new beginning. New life that was yet to come. We were waiting. In my corner of the world. In your corner of the world, when you came with the scream.

The girl, perhaps in her mid twenties, came back from the library where she worked until midnight. Her lover was long asleep in the large white bed. The beautiful ebony of his skin contrasted sharply with the loose lock of her fair hair, when she reached his naked shoulders to kiss them almost invisibly. Then she slipped on the floor and closed her eyes, too tired to sleep, too ashamed to pray, too conscious to enter into the unawareness.
She was never missed but ever wanted. She was a mother and a daughter. She was a sister. She was one with the soul of the planet. As if that massive piece of rock covered with oceans and tiny coat of the atmosphere, mad in its dance around the star, relentless in the race through nothingness and everythingness, could have a soul. They were one. And then the rock shook and trembled. And the rock spoke with the great voice from the deepest layers of its thick skin, with care and anger.
She smiled. Love is something that is best felt at night.

There is a far away country to which part of you belongs to and far away island that bore the man whose name I have given you. Arion, the great musician of ancient mythical times, saved from the pirates by holy dolphins, beloved by Apollo – the god of art, son of Poseidon – the god of sea and the Earthshaker. Creation and destruction are two sides of the same coin tossed by gods as they pleased.

Arion chose life despite the fear because he had faith. So you my darling Arion must always have faith too.

The feeling of the warm water mist on her hair and skin, made her calm and quiet. She could tell there was a life in every drop. Intuitively she felt that the whole waters of the world are connected with each other and their particles are never separate somewhere in upper dimension, invisible for human eye. Whether in the ocean or in the river, in the underground canals and the ice caps. The waters in the clouds and the water in the living cell, all of them together were one organism, perfectly functioning, life giving and life taking system. If the earthquake the night before was only slightly stronger something really bad could happen. Sometimes mountains may move and the hills disappear so you could start being grateful that you are alive.

In our corner of the world the Earthquakes don’t happen often. In fact they happen all the time and all over the world but in most cases you cannot tell. You don’t notice. In that respect earthquakes are like life.
Those precious, little lives of others.
In the distant land that will one day claim you, fifty of your brothers and sisters are being born each second. So they say. Some of those fifty will die shortly after that second in the helplessly pointless death after hopelessly pointless existence.
Like with the Earthquakes, you start paying attention to life when it ends up violently and claims large numbers. Like with the Earthquakes you will care for a little while. At the end, you have never known it. You have learned about its existence when it has already ceased to exist.
Like the Earthquakes it usually happen in a distant land, far away from ours.
That is what I have been always hoping for you. That is what I was trying to build for you. But for me it hasn’t always been like that. So if my peace is fragile and imperfect, then forgive me. I was trying hard but I grew up on the other side, in a distant land where the earth shook frequently. So I knew very little and had to learn from the scratch. You have it better, yet not easier. My son, this story is for you…

Broken Love

2011-03-01T15:19:00.000Z

My Spectre around me night and day
Like a wild beast guards my way;
My Emanation far within
Weeps incessantly for my sin.

‘A fathomless and boundless deep,
There we wander, there we weep;
On the hungry craving wind
My Spectre follows thee behind.

‘He scents thy footsteps in the snow
Wheresoever thou dost go,
Thro’ the wintry hail and rain.
When wilt thou return again?

’Dost thou not in pride and scorn
Fill with tempests all my morn,
And with jealousies and fears
Fill my pleasant nights with tears?

‘Seven of my sweet loves thy knife
Has bereavèd of their life.
Their marble tombs I built with tears,
And with cold and shuddering fears.

‘Seven more loves weep night and day
Round the tombs where my loves lay,
And seven more loves attend each night
Around my couch with torches bright.

‘And seven more loves in my bed
Crown with wine my mournful head,
Pitying and forgiving all
Thy transgressions great and small.

‘When wilt thou return and view
My loves, and them to life renew?
When wilt thou return and live?
When wilt thou pity as I forgive?’

‘O’er my sins thou sit and moan:
Hast thou no sins of thy own?
O’er my sins thou sit and weep,
And lull thy own sins fast asleep.

‘What transgressions I commit
Are for thy transgressions fit.
They thy harlots, thou their slave;
And my bed becomes their grave.

‘Never, never, I return:
Still for victory I burn.
Living, thee alone I’ll have;
And when dead I’ll be thy grave.

‘Thro’ the Heaven and Earth and Hell
Thou shalt never, quell:
I will fly and thou pursue:
Night and morn the flight renew.’

‘Poor, pale, pitiable form
That I follow in a storm;
Iron tears and groans of lead
Bind around my aching head.

‘Till I turn from Female love
And root up the Infernal Grove,
I shall never worthy be
To step into Eternity.

‘And, to end thy cruel mocks,
Annihilate thee on the rocks,
And another form create
To be subservient to my fate.

‘Let us agree to give up love,
And root up the Infernal Grove;
Then shall we return and see
The worlds of happy Eternity.

‘And throughout all Eternity
I forgive you, you forgive me.
As our dear Redeemer said:
“This the Wine, and this the Bread.”’

by William Blake

to my beloved

2011-02-26T20:25:00.000Z

'I am the wilderness locked in a cage
I am a growing force you kept in place
I am a tree reaching for the sun
Please don't hold me down
Please don't hold me down

I am a rolling wave without the motion
A glass of water longing for the ocean
I am an asphalt flower breaking free but you keep stopping me
Release me
Release me

I am the rain that's coming down on you
That you shielded yourself from with a roof
I am the fire burning desperately but you're controlling me
Release me
Release me'

tomorrow in Coventry

2011-02-25T11:22:00.000Z

In 2008 RBS was bailed out by the Uk public to the tune of £20bn meaning the public have a 84% stake in the bank. Despite this RBS have not changed, last year they felt it was appropriate to pay bonuses of £1.3bn to its 'top' 22,000 investment bankers.

It is in our interest to let the Bank know how we feel about their actions, we should let them know that actions like commodity trading of basic foods stuff, an action that drives up food prices in the developed and developing world, and other casino style financial transactions are unacceptable. We should put people before profit

It should be the public who benefit from the nationalisation of the financial sector, not Private individuals. We should not nationalise risk only to privatise the profits for a small few.

RBS continue to fund a dangerous and damaging exploitation of Canadian tar sands, more evidence of a bloated institution not fit for purpose in the 21st Century

The banking sector as it exists currently does not serve the public good; not until this is the case should we stop striving for equality and fairness.

We bailed them out. Now lets bail into RBS.

MEETING POINT: The Lady Godiva statue in Coventry city centre on Saturday 10:30 am

THE ACTION IN COVENTRY: We're planning a 'Billionaires for Justice' style action. Some of us are going to dress up smart and explain to members of the public why bankers deserve their massive bonuses. (i.e just dress smart on Saturday if you want in) If that doesn't appeal just turn up as you would have anyway we'll be leafleting and stuff & we'll... have some awesome banners.

from Katharina Karcher

song that sits in my mind this morning (only in Polish)

2011-02-23T09:04:00.000Z

If that is your will, I will remain silent
My voice will become quiet.
Just like before.
And in that silence, I will await again your call... if you so wish.
If that is your will.

If that is your will, if you have a choice.
Give water to the rivers and joy to the hills.
Be merciful to the hearts that burn in hell.
Heal them if you so wish.
If that is your will.

And bind them tight and get them closer.
As if in the war gear, all your children on the line.
In the luminous rags, ready for the pain of death.
And bring this night to the end, if you so wish.
If that is your will.

the mathematics of life

2011-02-21T13:24:00.002Z

Na czym ja do cholery stanelam? Heidegger? Nie... Bigaj? Eeee... Jak to szlo?

A moze zaczac jeszcze raz od poczatku?
Z dokladna analiza krok po korku? Analiza rzeczywista. Analiza zespolona.

Miara Lebesgue'a miara czlowieka?

Zagubieni na przestrzeniach wektorowych, w preliminariach topologicznych, na przestrzeniach Banacha, lapiemy sie jak tonacy brzytwy regularnosci miar borelowskich, stojac jak funkcje ciagle w szeregu Fouriera.

Trzeba sie pozbierac, zanim dopadnie nas i stanie sie faktem twierdzenie Weierstrassa o rozkladzie na czynniki. Twierdzenie o transformacji odwrotnej.
Trzeba starac sie dotknac iloczynów nieskonczonych, ciaglosci absolutnej, rózniczkujac w dziedzinach zespolonych, calkujac wzdluz krzywych.
Sprowadzic twierdzenie o odwzrowaniu otwartym na obszary jednospójne. Z zachowywaniem katów. W rodzinach normalnych. Twierdzenie Reiemanna o odwzorowaniu.

Zapomniec o problemach interpolacyjnych. O punktach regularnych i punktach osobliwych. O funkcjach wypuklych i nierównosciach.

Zastanowic sie nad soba i ograniczonymi funkcjonalami liniowymi na przestrzeni Lp naszego umyslu.
Uzupelnic miary produktywne, produktami kartezjanskimi.

Lemat Schwarza. Metoda Phragmena-Lindeloefa. Twierdzenie Rungego. Twierdzenie Mittag-Lefflera. Twierdzenie Picarda....
Twierdzenie, twierdzenie.... ciaglosc na brzegu....

Uczymy sie spokoju od podstaw. Uczymy sie podstaw od podstaw.
Wracanie do siebie jak wychodzenie ze spiaczki. Jak z amoku. "Ja widze!"
To widzi! To czuje! To mysli!
Czasem trudno w to wierzyc. Bo trudno jest wierzyc na slowo...

28th of April 2004

panta rhei kai ouden menei

2011-02-06T23:54:00.000Z

Panta rhei... so they say.
How come then, that sometimes I need to remind myself with the mental slap that it is not six, seven, ten years ago?
I probably fell into the trap of my spoiled and destructive mind that tends to remember only the good things. And this is how it is now.
Each pat on the head, each stroke on my back, each time he asks me to move in his horse-rider way, it feels so natural as if the time and space between our last unfortunate and tragic 'good-bye' and curious meeting after years, did not happen at all.
Perhaps we are the only constant in our lives. And that somehow feels secure, like those old and worn out slippers, that feel so cosy and intimate, it would break your heart to throw them away.
Or perhaps we just both feel a little bit abandoned and terribly lonely from time to time. Yet, none of us would openly admit it, although I feel free to cry in his presence and I feel free to get the 'every-thing-will-be-just-fine-hug' without unnecessary fear that he is just desperate to get me into his bed. We've been there already for nearly 6 years and so far he was my longest and the most serious relationship to date. And, I am almost certain that despite the fact that he was married already, he could largely say the same about me. This is so ironic, it hurts.
But although everything is so very touchy-feely and so sweet and lovely, I remind myself over and over that nothing will ever be the same again. Ever. You cannot wave the time and space off.
Panta rhei... they say.
And I keep saying it to myself.

meaningful book from meaningful person, right on time

2011-02-04T13:10:00.001Z

and this is why:

'Any news from James?'
'Yeah, loads. He seems to be getting on fine. Got a letter every few days at first, then it started going down. Haven't had one for about a fortnight now.'
'When'd he go?'
'January.'
'Shit - three months.'
'Five more to go.'
'I didn't realize it was that long.'
'Tell me about it.'
'That's a long time. Eight months. Don't you reckon he'll get bored?'
'Bored? You think he'll polish off everything there is to do in Thailand, Hong Kong, Bali, Australia and America in eight months, do you?'
'No - it's not that - it's just... eight months away from home. That's ages...
...
'And you don't mind him running away like that leaving you alone for all this time?'
'He didn't run away. It's his year off for God's sake. I wouldn't want to go out with someone whose idea of fun was sitting in St Albans working as a filing clerk all year.'
'I suppose not. Didn't you want to go with him, though?'
'Of course I wanted to go with him. D'you think I'd rather be in a pub with you than on a beach in Thailand with James?'
'No. I suppose not.'
'There is the small matter of my own life to consider. I can't just leave like that...
He's been planning it for years. Since before I even knew him.'
'You don't mind, then?'
'I wouldn't say I don't mind. I am not exactly over the moon about being on my own all year. But it's what he's got to do.'
'Got to?'
'Yes - got to.'
'Why's he got to?'
'Just because he has. That's what he feels.'
'What - so he can "find himself"?'
'You're so cynical about all this. What's your problem?'
'I haven't got a problem. I just don't think... you know... I don't think he's treating you very well.'
She laughed and shook her head.
'You're funny.'
'Why?' I said, smiling.
'Well - not only you are jealous of him going away, you're also jealous of his girlfriend. And you're supposed to be his mate. I mean, if that's what you think of your "friends"...'
That wasn't what I was expecting her to say.
'What do you mean?'
'About what?' She was smirking.
'What do you mean, "jealous of his girlfriend"?'
She spun in her chair, pretending to look around the pub for someone. 'Shit - I think I must mean me,' she said.
Then she gave me one of those looks. One of those looks that you have to look away from.
'I don't think you realize what kind of relationship I have with James,' she said. 'We're not kids any more. This isn't teenagers snogging behind the bike sheds, you know.'
'You're still teenagers.'
'Yes - but we don't snog behind the bike sheds. We make love.'
She said that just to freak me out. There really was no call for that kind of language.
'I'm so impressed.'
'Dave - do you understand what I'm talking about? It's a proper relationship. We're in love.'
...
'You know what?' she said.
'What?'
'The funny thing is...'
'What?'
'We talked about this before he left.'
'What - about me?'
'No. About THIS.'
'What do you mean?'
'About infidelity.'
'Right.'
'And we decided...'
'What?'
'Well - you know. Me and him have been together, what - about five months. Now he's gone away for eight months, and we just thought - that you can't force these things.'
'What things?'
'You know - whatever happens, when he comes back, things aren't going to be the same. We won't be able to just start again where we left off.'
'So...?'
'So, we just thought - that it's better to play things by ear. We both reckoned that with him so far away, for so long, the chances of him - like - behaving himself are really very low, and the more pressure we both feel under to stay - celibate, or something - the harder it will make things. Basically - we both reckon that the more pressure there is, the more likely we are to be unfaithful.'
'What are you saying?'
'Just that... we both decided to be a bit open about things. That if anything happened, it wouldn't be the end of the world. That we should both do what we want.'
'And what DO you want?'
I was trying to stop myself from smiling.
'Well - I dunno. It's just that me and James - we used to - you know - have a great time. We had an excellent time together. It was ALWAYS great. Well - maybe not at first - I mean, in the beginning he didn't know what the hell he was doing - but once we got going - you know it was always... we always had a lot of fun. And up until he left, we were together almost all the time - for weeks. I was virtually living with him. He was always there - and I mean, to be honest...' She let out a chuckle. Her cheeks were slightly flushed. 'Look - can I be frank here? To be honest - you get used to it.'

the citizen of limbo land

2011-02-02T13:24:00.000Z

If you believe that the era of being privileged by your birth and all the rights you get due to the sole fact you were born in certain circumstances were gone with the death of the feudal system, then think again.
Of course you can take some of those individuals such as Sir Alan Sugar or any other so called 'self-made-man' and argue the case that you, and only you have the power to determine the direction of your life. Yet, if Sir Sugar was born in Poland, say in the 1930s rather than in East London, he would most likely perish in the Holocaust. Or, he could be born in India and his body would arrive to one of the train stations, next to thousands of others, murdered in the course of their journey during the partition.
So, the conditions you are born into create or take away the opportunities to all of us. The countries and borders were created to protect their people in return for their loyalty and taxes. Ideally, the nation-state should also provide with the sense of home, identity and security. Just because one or the other was born in its boundaries.

It is not a discovery to say, that the globalisation and regionalisation poses huge challenges to the way one can relate to the concepts of nation, state and citizenship, as well as the rights and duties that arise from those concepts to the individual. Those challenges sometimes create weird paradoxes that make me feel uneasy about the 'system', whatever the 'system' is (I hear about it all the time from different people so I assume that some sort of 'system' has to exist, almost like with the concept of god: no one knows what it is, but it dictates the way we should live and we shall serve it the best we can).

Most of the citizens of Israel, due to the conditions of the history, are linked in one way or the other with some other country. Either in Europe or in America. Some of them, less lucky are linked to other Middle Eastern countries or to Africa.
Large number of Israelis are also the citizens of the European Union. For different reasons. Some of them, were born in the European country but they don't even remember it and they don't really relate to it. Some of them get their European passports because their parents or grand parents were born in Romania, Germany, Poland, Britain or France etc... so they get their passports of counties they have never even been to. Some of them, have their European Citizenship because they were adopted by the people whose parents were born, say in Ireland.
So there you go, this is your Irish passport, although you have never been to Ireland or have no real links to it. This entitles you to have your say if you only wanted in the European elections and gives you the right to study as the Home Student for the 'discounted' price at one of the European universities, although neither you nor your parents, have ever contributed a single penny to the common budget of the European Union. Fine by me. The 'system' works this way and who am I to question anybody's pragmatic approach. You all do well to yourselves. You deserve that. Don't you?

If you don't have European ancestry to be 'proud of', then you can always rely on the other key that opens any doors you ever wanted. And that is money. You have money, you can be a citizen of the world. You don't ask, you take and the world will have to give. Having money allows you to plan your holiday almost anywhere in the world.... well perhaps not Pakistan, Iraq or North Korea, but who the hell, being healthy on their body and mind would like to go there?
Money will allow you to travel to the most distant part of the word, be it the most northern or most southern part. Be it a 'spiritual' journey in search of yourself or the business travel. You have money, you have your entry. Simple as.

But there is another category of people. They are so close to all of us, that you could touch them if not for a wall that separates you from them. Sometimes this huge wall is invisible, build from fear or indifference or just common ignorance. Sometimes there is a physical wall of concrete and barb wires. On the other side of the wall, there is a person just like you except for the lack of any passport that would allow him or her to be a citizen of the world. Funny enough, they are also not allowed to be citizens in their own country.

M. is such person. M. was unfortunate enough to have been born on the wrong side of the fence. M. is so beautiful that I find myself staring at him every now and then secretly, not to make him uncomfortable. M. has a noble face that contrast sharply with his ignoble state of homelessness and statelessness. M. decided to take his life into his own hands when he took a long journey to the United Kingdom in search of the Western freedom, advertised widely by Bush and Blair administrations and others.
Unfortunately, the freedom in the West is even less welcoming than the Lebanese freedom in the refugee camp. Bureaucracy could be considered worst than corruption. In the corrupted state at least you know whom to give a bribe and how much. In the bureaucratic regime there is no one to give it to, even if you had anything to give, because in essence no one is responsible for anything. This is the 'system' that requires you to find the means of support banning you from work. The 'system' runs the show with no respect for the human factor. The 'system' can put you in the detention centre for a terrible crime of asking for the asylum or trying to work not to starve to death.
Because M. jumped from one bureaucracy to another, he is jobless and homeless. With no right to stay where he is and with no right to return where he came from. He cannot be in Britain because the 'system' does not see the grounds for his stay and yet the 'system' cannot send him back because M. does not have a relevant paperwork or the state that could speak for him. M. is surrounded day after day by horrible despair and hopelessness. He cannot plan anything because nothing in his life is up to him. He has no idea what will become of him.
I wish any of you could see this Palestinian boy. I wish you had a courage to stand in front of this guy and tell him your eloquent opinions on Israel and Palestine, politics and human rights. And why things are the way they are.
Being a citizen of the Limbo Land is like being held in the prison with expandable, glass walls.
What kind of society dares to call itself civilized and putting people without any charges behind the bars on the margins of community? Is this the society you agreed and accepted to live in? Do you feel privileged by birth and social stance? Then I tell you, you are as little and unimportant as dirt on the shoes of those people who had everything taken away from them, including their dignity, by the 'system' you have created and whom you serve. You are as petty as your little worries and troubles, your paper democracy and fake liberties of capitalism.
And if you do not accept the 'system', then remember several things:
1. You are only important as much as you give yourself to others.
2. No human is illegal.
3. Paid employment, however small is not a crime for which people should be jailed or punished otherwise.
4. Your government is accountable to you. Find your democratically elected MP and question him or her. Demand explanation why your country is violating the basic human rights to life in peace, to work and freedom.

Thank you for reading this.

it's a raging day

2011-01-27T22:13:00.002Z

Today I was reminded I am a woman.
Or rather, I was reminded what it is to be one.
And what it means to be a woman first and foremost, is that you do not have a penis.
And if you don't have a penis then, in the mind of some of the members of society who have penis (or should I say, 'the member'), it means that they can bother you and insult you as they're pleased. It means that you can pass away with the heart attack on the street, when the sudden honking behind your back scares you and makes you jump. It means that you suddenly should react to whistling like a dog. Do I look like one? It means that you invite people to chat shit to you, just by walking on the street after the sundown. It means that they can try touching you or follow you or assault you. It means that you need to be extra careful when passing the stranger men on the pavement, that you should not stop to help people finding directions, it means you need to look slightly to the side of the road to see the shadow of the person coming at you from behind, it means that you need to think twice before you take a turn to one side street or the other. It means that you are not safe.
Because you are a woman.
So to all the assholes who would like to try me, I remind you that the 'weaker sex' does not necessarily have to be taken literally. And if you have to collect your teeth from the pavement later on, then tough shit - you have asked for it. Do not fuck with me, just fuck off.
I hate stupid men sometimes.... most of the time.

It's a raging day... hallelujah!
Where is my wine?

such is life

2010-10-06T17:59:00.002Z

well... what can I say to that. she clearly believes, she is a fighter. credit for that. can one really argue with such believes?
on the other hand, would you imagine me myself, standing in the crowd of people telling a following story:
I was born over 28 years ago into a broken family that religiously radicalised more and more over the years. To the mother that loved me with such passion that my neurons still hold the memories of that love. Invisible marks of her cruel and helpless emotions instead of bruises and cuts and scars, like in those 'abnormal' families of unbelievers and alcoholics. I was born to the indifferent and silent father who substituted his love with money when he had it and when he didn't, he would become even more silent and more distant. Even more indifferent.
That particular event of me being born, did not really influence anything in this world. Perhaps added some more statistics for the baby boom of 1982, and then later all bunch of different numbers in different statistics: education, unemployment, contraception, abortion, smoking, drug use or abuse.... you name it. Somewhere there, there are statistics for everything and for long 28 years I was part of many of them. Anonymously.
Apart form that, the very fact I was born could possibly change things in my immediate surroundings. Some might have claimed that they loved me, some hated me. But there were all drops in the ocean of human race. And as relevant as them, i.e.: not very.
For those 28 years of my life I was told to be grateful. To god. To parents. To teachers. To my employers. To my friends. To people. To the world. To all saints. To my guardian angel. To the Santa. To the Universe whatever I might think of it. Whatever I might think of all of them.
And for what? I carried on because I was told it is something you have to do. It was expected from you to have good marks, have an interesting and above of all well paid job, get married before 30 and have a bunch of beautiful kids with all their toys and baby products that generate so much of waste that their own generation would have to struggle with them throughout their lifetime. It is expected to smile and not to talk so much about the problems, broken heart, unfulfilled dreams, sexual desires and whatever the society might not consider so pure and so innocently careless. One should do that whilst gracefully dealing with the shopping and cooking and handling jobs and paying taxes. And whilst desperately trying to be happy and loved. Or at least desperately pretend to be happy and loved, when worst comes to worst.
But my broken family has broken me and I never managed to achieve those goals, I was too stubborn and too selfish and I invested my feelings in those who disrespected me and had me for nothing.
And now I am standing before you ladies and gentlemen, with all those broken promises and attempts, so fed up that the only thing that can clearly communicate to you is that, I have enough and I don't want to do it any more.
For those 28 years no on has ever asked me if I wanted to be born. No one let me choose my mother or my father. Or the country or the gender I was born into. All I really could choose were my own delusions. And I picked them up carefully.
And yet, ladies and gentlemen as I am standing here before you, so unhappy and so disillusioned, I have some firm doubts that you would acknowledge my right to death. Neither you ethics and concious, nor your laws would allow me to have my life ended peacefully, gracefully and with your kind assistance.
And so I would have to either cut my own wrists or hung myself, risking the deadly shock that would cause to the first person that would find me. Or I could try to convince my doctor to prescribe me some sleeping pills and go to bed not to ever wake up.
And anyone of you who would find the solution to my problem of living would be find guilty in the eyes of law.
So I have to carry on, in this prolonged execution that has been my life with the death sentence that is as sure as nothing else in this world and so sudden and unexpected, without the real right to end it as I want it, when I want it.
Such is life.

Now we all have very different experiences in life. And I am sure, that women has her point. I could not be in her situation and she could never be in mine. And hence, what I think is simple: yes, she can talk about it, she can share her views. But those are just words and they mean nothing. And the arrogance that she talks about is equal to her own, since she feels that she is in the position to talk for everybody.

Love,
ev

it's drizzling, my neck hurts

2010-09-28T21:11:00.004Z

Laptop £299, headphones £180, Prada glasses £200, piece of mind .... PRICELESS.
For the rest you will pay by using me. As usual.

Tomorrow will be my day. My special anniversary of which I want to forget and which I want to remember for the rest of my life. Makes sense doesn't it? The day I will spent alone. On my own. I wish I could just go to bed tonight and sleep long and dreamless. I wish I wasn't ill so that I could be with my friends, celebrating their birth day instead of celebrating death.

It comes back every now and then. Until the New Year on the night of the 1st of November, when I can just say my apologies and remember my dead. It has been far better since I don't have to look into his eyes that would always remind me of her. Remembering him it's the last thing I want to remember. In fact I would really beg god for amnesia if I believed in him.

I knew I will have to do it at some point. Sooner or later.
For my own benefit it could have been sooner but now, looking back at past 4 years I just wonder...
I go through those logs over and over. I collect receipts and bills as instructed. I have round about a tonne of paper work. And deep down I know it's not worth it. But I have to try to be even more strict with myself and my routine.
So I go through it over and over again trying to understand. Trying to understand myself. Why was I banging with my head in that wall of silence and indifference?
Why do I always stick my finger in that tiny little space between the door and the wall and wait for someone to close it and then wonder why it hurts.
Oh, no. I don't wait. I write elaborate invitations for them to do so.

One thing he was right about. At the end of the day you will be left alone. You can only count on yourself because no one ever will turn to you. No one ever will do anything for you. unless of course, they want to fuck you, he should have added.

So there you go. I tend to give people an amazing massage and of course I am left to massage my own neck when it hurts. Analogy repeats itself.

And at the end I wonder... if the day I stop caring would be a day of my own death.

My Superhero's Special Power

2010-09-06T19:26:00.001Z

Bi-location was and for ever will be my dream super-power.

I always felt that one me is not enough for this fantastically interesting word and I thought that I tend to miss out on so many things... but perhaps...it only expresses my lack of decisiveness when it comes to places and events I want to take part in.

My Dream House

2010-09-06T19:20:00.001Z

The house of Elrond in Rivendell has everything I love.

The waterfall, fresh spring, the mountains and years old trees.

It has an opaque walls, columns, towers and Gothic windows that let the golden light in and let it settle on massive wooden furnitures, bookshelves heavy from their content and Celtic motives everywhere you look.

It has gardens that I could spend your eternity if I had one.

But I don't so....

I wish I a field of green grass and open space I could see from the massive window of my living room. Where I could see my horses running freely in the morning and kids playing cricket in the afternoon.

I want light and space. Mild climate and fresh breeze. I want easy accessible seclusion.

Only.... where would that be?

This Book = Meh

2010-09-06T19:01:00.001Z

Total wast of time. And yet I am happy I have read it. At least I can now criticise it and its author.

Shallow. Written with such speed towards the end that you could almost tell that Dan Brown felt the heavy breath of his publisher on his neck whilst writing.

Nothing that was written in that book was unique or new. The incorporation of the legends and traditional stories in the mediocre crime story, that aspired to be a) interesting b) mysterious was a total failure.

(Come on... I don't know about you, but I knew since childhood that Da Vinci wrote using mirror in fear of being seen as a heretic. And that was one of the major riddles in the story)

This Movie Always Gets to Me

2010-09-06T18:47:00.001Z

Whoever has watched it knows why....

This movie is so full of sadness, suffering and womanhood that it scares me it was made by a man.

My Favorite Place in the World (and you can kill me NOW)

2010-09-06T18:27:00.001Z

I was about to say, as usual when I answer that question, Isle of Skye. But there is one place I like a lot.

It is hard to explain, I guess you just need to be there and feel your own presence in that city that seems out of place and time. Where, although you are in the middle of a deadly conflict, you can forget about the politics, ethnic and religious differences, despite having them in front of you all the time.

The heavy and stuffy atmosphere that smells of salt and sea, herbs and spices, sweet smoke from shishas that are being smoked on the streets, takes your breath away. The sight of mosques,churches and Kabbalah centres next to each other makes you peaceful for a change. And cats. Cats everywhere. With their smooth fur and pointy skulls.

When you think that the humidity will strip you completely from your life the skye answers with a blessed breeze from the deep sea and you know, you are almost sure, that this is the place. The one you would miss until you find yourself in your own bedroom overlooking so completely different world of modern and dynamic Tel Aviv.

The place is truly magical. The place is truly for the witch to live in. On one of the Zodiac-named streets. Next to the wishing bridge. Which does not work as it should anyway. Even the best wishing bridge cannot undo a broken heart. Even the best wishing bridge cannot make him love me. Not even thousands of shooting stars. Not even the magic.

Yaffo is special but a presence of a friend, whom you missed so much in this pathetic and annoying way, makes it unforgivable experience. That friend who became your dearest brother.

And you go for a walk and he takes the most amazing pictures. You can see his love and care in every shot of your tired face. And then, when you exhausted and hungry, you sit on the square with probably the best take away bagel ever made, the best lime with mint and watch Capoeira dancers (yes yes, one's capoeira dancer is another person's capoeira fighter).

If I could stop the time and become the picture frame for ever, I will choose that moment.

I wish I could say, I didn't want to hear what you said today. Oh but that would be such a lie. I wish you told me much earlier in fact, so that I could save myself so many scars. But I knew you wanted good. I knew you didn't want to destroy the perfect moment of my perfect holiday. My perfect image in my heart. And I love you for it.

My dearest friend. I am so sorry, that my writing about this fantastic day we had is so shallow and without emotions. I guess you know and understand why my heart is sealed and I am sure you can forgive me that little imperfections amongst many I have.

on my way

2010-07-20T01:37:00.002Z

Walking in the rain in the middle of the night. Somehow liberating.
Makes one almost floating in the air.
Drops on my hair. I feel therefore I am.
She says, you can't love everyone. That's just not meaningful.
And I say, if the mother has many offspring and loves them all, does it mean her love would not be received fully by all her children? And does it mean that her feeling towards her husband shall be meaningless? Does she have to forget her mother and abandon her friends? And the sensation in her spine when she looks at her sister, so different and yet the same? And the children of her sister. And the children of her children. Must she turn away from that love as well?
When you look at the beauty of the swan, don't you just love it? Don't you have an overwhelming feeling of love when you look at the sharp contrast between whites and reds and blacks of its creation? Aren't you happy for that simple existence? Aren't your eyes in love with the sight of that quiet freedom and powerful grace?
Aren't your ears full of songs in variety of languages. Some are sharp and tough, some poetic, some ask questions constantly, some are singing, some ordering, some are shaking your soul. You can love them all. You can be loved in them all.
And your skin. Isn't it in love with this thin, cold, fragrant film of sweat he leaves on your body. Does it mean that its paleness would love his darkness less because you have not enough love beneath the layers of your tissues? Aren't your cells screaming with love every time he touches you. Every time you feel the breeze on your neck. Every time the lady bird's tiny little limbs tickle your fingertips when she rests for a minute or two on your hand, tired by that short journey which for her would mean the lifetime.
Love is as physical as it can be. Love is here and now. It is as real and as material as your existence. Can you prove to me that you do not exist? If your imagination doesn't even allow you to conceive the thought of lack of you in this world. You are nothing more and nothing less than love. And therefore I love you. And you. And you. Each differently. Each equally. With compassion, with trust, with fear, with joy, with anger, with pleasure, with passion, with pain, careless, breathless, selfless and so selfishly. I couldn't love myself if I didn't love you. And you. And you. And even you.
I am a glass of water. And so are you.
The rain stops and the air is heavy of fertile, moist mist. Smells of lavender and pink roses outside the window.
And you could swear that you hear the earth is breathing. Slowly. In and out. In and out. Steady and rhythmically. In and out. And I am proudly breathing with her in my longing for the Ocean.

My Dream Vacation about to come true

2010-07-10T17:21:00.001Z

Manu. Yossi. Tel Aviv. Jerusalem. Sinai.

Tel Aviv, Israel

2 weeks to go!

My sister Fala makes me smile

2010-07-02T15:49:00.001Z

I often look at this picture but I need to limit it to the times when I am on my own.

And this is because I tend to laugh out loud hysterically when I look at my sister's facial expression. "Gray Eminence" as we named it!

She claims she looks more like a zombie from the Dawn of the Dead, but I love it.

Besides it was a very good time from Isle of Skye with wonderful people. Hence I am always very happy looking at those pictures. Happy time!

I have to wonder about how the moor hen came to be

2010-07-02T15:40:00.001Z

This happened a week ago when I was walking with my friend David through the fields and numerous paths of Warwick Campus.

Hawaiian Moor Hen 1--zoom

Passing a little pond on our way, we stopped for a while looking at coots and moor hens.

- When I see the moor hens, they always make me think of dinosaurs - I said starring at the bird.

- Yeah, they walk like them. And obviously this is how the dinosaurs evolved. They have a direct link - said David reassuringly.

- What do you think was first? A chicken or an egg? - I asked turning back to the path.

David laughed.

- I suppose the chicken.... no wait...

- The egg! - we exclaimed simultaneously.

- Oh that's so stupid! Of course it was an egg! The reptile had an egg, when it hatched something weird jump put of it. That was a bird.

- A chicken. Yes. Seriously. I don't understand why people think about it so much - approved David - I'm glad we have that sorted. Next.. the meaning of life....

The Last Time I Thanked Someone

2010-07-02T14:43:00.001Z

That guy.

Last night.

He knows what for.

funny enough first thing that comes to mind when I think of my favourite summer memory

2010-07-02T14:42:00.001Z

It was nothing meaningful.

This is probably why it scares me what I wrote about it over 2 years ago, when I came back from the banks of the river Taff, where I sat and laughed.

The loosely planned trip had become an unexpected parade with a concert and fireworks and wonderful, fantastic weather. And a dinner with wine ... a lot of wine in the garden by candlelight. Like during those good old days, we sat together long hours fixing the world, creating theories and philosophies. We dreamed together how one day a time will come and everything will be easy and we will have all it takes to prosper and be happy. Whatever that could be. It was not. If I am stupid enough to miss something about him, it would be that dark garden and his voice. Definitely.

Of course he was not THAT person and the eyes were not HIS eyes, but he somehow had the same eyebrows and the same barely perceptible Jewish New York accent, so terribly fake since he only grew up in the Jewish quarter, and not even in New York. And his hair, glasses, and even that smug self-confidence and his conviction that he knows everything about everyone and everything, especially when it comes to history, which I decided to forgive him with a joyous grace pretending not to hear it for the reasons completely unknown to myself.

Why do I always meet ass-holes that I love and hate at the same time? similarities rather than the differences scare me so terribly just because that destructive self of mine falls in love with those contradictions.

However I am quite confident I will not make the same mistake ever again. Now, once I realised how much I miss to be alone. Surely it could be anyone. Everyone. But him.

And he does not force me to anything. Does not ask for anything. He does nothing whilst waiting patiently for what I will never say to him.

And listens out of politeness, pretending to recognize in me that tough woman which I'm not. Neither the woman nor even tough. So we just manipulate one another knowing exactly what we are doing to each other.

The window opens to the cloudless sky. The grass is always greener in another garden. Why am I lying to myself so inefficiently that I can't even believe myself?

I could walk those endless parks of the capital of Wales as I managed to get here. River Taff rustles gently under my feet. The gulls react to every word with uncontrolled guffaw. Why not? Why not? I am so relaxed, it hurts. Pain is good. It reminds me to breathe. At least once per hour I will need to take a deep breath. My broken ribs cannot be an excuse to sleep apnea. My broken bones have become a bone of contention between me and my mother. Again. But surely it could be anything. In the end she has a tendency to blame me for things that had happened before my conception. She could find anything. Mama. The more she hates the UK for taking her three daughters and then then the grandchildren away from her, the more I love my island. Pain is surely good.

I do not need to see sheep on the evergreen fields and the hills of Malvern, and the Cathedral of Gloucester, and bays that cut into the land, and Celtic symbols, and people who look in the eyes with a smile, to love my island. But sometimes it helps.

And thinking about it, I had so many other memories from the time I sat on the massive hill in between the roots of the 4 bough birch that I used to consider the goddess of the Visola peninsula and observe the eagles soaring above the endless forest below my feet. In my own mind, despite all the flaws, I really had a happy childhood.

My Favorite Mistake over and over

2010-07-02T13:01:00.001Z

Being in the relationship that has no future.

So exciting and yet totally pointless.

Shhhh.... Don't tell anybody.

I am addicted to this mistake so badly that although my mind is wary of consequences, the heart is screaming that as long everything is good, it's great and you should carry on regardless.

There are loads of mistakes linked to relationships between human beings. First of all, one can decide to be in the relationship in the first place, although it is clear one is the happiest person ever being on one's own.

Second, once one buries one's own freedom of being emotionally independent and steps into the relationship that has no perspectives on the marriage and kids, then one loses the opportunity to actually meet someone with whom one could create a family. But also in my case, the relationships I am in, however hopeless, bring within me the best ever person (at least for a while). I am able to give and offer a lot and as a result at the end of it, I am left with nothing.

But those are just 3 instances I have in mind. The bottom line is, that whatever I will do in my life I will be on my own. As soon I realised that, it made ma actually quite relieved. So what is my problem, one could ask?

Well, my problem is that for people around me, family and friends, this way of thinking about the future is considered a mistake. At the end it should be each women's dream to have a big white wedding and bunch of lovely kids.

Well, it isn't. Not for me. But perhaps I am mistaken. Yet, that mistake is definitely my favourite one:)

drama queen

2010-04-08T22:12:00.003Z

why do you believe in me?
I am nothing but a dust and tears.

I wish I could say it was a terrible, terrible day. But I can't. All the facts speak against me.

The sun was shining and people were smiling and everything was happy on the outside. They were just details. Just a tiny, little, stupid details that were not so on and fucked up the picture. And I wish... I wish I could just say that it was the rain or dark cloud or the day.... that it was just because of the bloody day. But I need to face it like a sin during a confession, when you verbalise it and as it comes out it spoils the air. And it saves your soul.

It was me. Solely, voluntarily, completely willingly, painfully knowingly ME. And I tried to find excuses in the reaction as if the action was just right. Come on, you don't know me.... you just thought you do. You have created the image of me, the way you wanted me to be. That was impossible me I could not even aspire to. Like god, you have made me in your own perfect image and I took it and threw it away in the mud from which you had raised me before you gave me your holy breath of your holy spirit. Those fingers you have touch me with now are slipping away...they are slipping through my fingers. Your fingers. God's fingers. My fingers. Mea culpa. I should hold on to those precious hands and never let go. Oh I wish I was created as a moon to your holy self so could I shine with your reflected light.

Instead, as you see I am a snake, I am the oxygen parasite. I feed on your disappointment. But just let me be. Let it go. Don't punish the whole of the human kind because of me. Do not sacrifice the only one for me. You know so well how unworthy I am. And it is you who is reflecting my darkness. My mirror in which I could see what I became. Run away before that darkness consumes you like it consumed me.

Just save that crazy spin of our planet from becoming a complete waste of time and energy. Tomorrow the spin continues and so is the useless life in the land from beyond help. Unless of course you would rather break it. Oh my sweet, beautiful and pure... if there was anyone who could break my life it would be you. And you only. Many tried before you and failed. But with you it's so different. I could just give it to you. I don't feel like its sole owner anyway. Nor do I owe my body. Nor do I owe my mind. But I trust that if you take it they will be save with you. Like retarded children in the shelter of catholic nuns.They always smile and have gentle voices but they are strict and rough animals.

Whatever you decide I want you to know that I love you. Unconditionally. Meaninglessly. Brutally. And I accept my fate. And your judgement. No one has ever been so blatantly obvious with me by saying nothing. Whatever comes. I will take it. Just don't hate me forever. If you can.

Yes, I am a drama queen of my own bloody ruined and deserted castle.

How to run a half-marathon

2010-01-10T11:51:00.001Z

"This is one of the most rewarding and healthy experiences I have ever had."

How I did it: I have been running as often as I could. Sometimes even every day for hours and hours for at least 6 months. You need to make a habit of it, remembering that to create a habit you will have to act repetitively for 21 days. However if you wish to brake a bad habit it will take you half as long. So don't get irritated if you don't get addicted to those endorphins your brain produces when you exercise, straight away. Especially if you are normally a little bit of a couch potato.

I run both on the treadmill in the gym and outside, and find the combination of those two the most helpful. I would set my new goals on the gym first and then take it on the track or on the street. Plus even if the weather is really bad I can still have my training indoors so no excuses there.

Lessons & tips: Give yourself some time to get used to pain but be persistent. Try to picture yourself on the finishing line and imagine how happy you will be at the end. If you have problems with motivation try to find a friend who wants to run with you - it will be harder to make up excuses for not running. Have clear but realistic goals and stick to them. And if you manage, reward yourself with some new running shoes or training outfit (running socks are great)... or even a dinner somewhere nice.

If you wish to take part in the race do a bit of fund raising. I cannot stress enough all the benefits when you decide to support your favourite charity or organisation. Apart from the obvious money donation and awareness spreading, the fact that you need to go out there and run just because so many people count on you, is the best remedy for the pre-race stress. You will run no matter how ill you are or how scared you are - just not to let them down. They trusted you with their money:). I normally support National Association for Colitis and Crohn's Disease (NACC) but you an choose whatever is dear to your heart (or stomach).

Last but not least. This is actually very important. Watch what you eat couple of days before your race.There is nothing worst then running and dreaming about going to toilet for like 13 miles (or 2 hours). That's like the worst torture ever. So eat light and take some vitamins. Protein shakes are also advisable so that you actually have some energy for your run.

Resources:

Google maps have been very helpful with setting up the routes for outdoor running.

I-pod shuffle packed with energetic music(I really like bhangra and dynamic Irish folk, sometimes techno - but I am an ethnic music nutter). I prefer very tiny mp3 players, especially those that can be easily attached to the piece of clothing as I am not a big fan of arm bands or weighing down the pockets.

Nike+ Sports band helps you to monitor your progress.

Energy drinks with l-carnitine

the most important: good running shoes. Be picky and be choosy. You are going to pay good money for them.

It took me 6 months.

It made me very happy and proud

See more progress on: Run a half-marathon

If answering email was an exercise, I'd be in tip-top shape

2009-09-09T00:09:00.001Z

Not that I am complaining about my shape. But if writing e-mails made one fit then my Zorro...I probably would become an Olympic athlete. Monday to Friday. Shame I am only efficient with work e-mails...

Harbury Trip

2009-09-06T21:24:00.009Z

Today the first from my planned periodical trips around West Midlands and Warwickshire. I decided I've been here for so long and I have driven so many roads and walked so many paths yet most of the English country side remains unknown to me.

I stared off with Harbury. Village rather then town I knew nothing about before. Which is a real shame as Harbury is one of the most historic (or even prehistoric) sides in Warwickshire. Remains of Ichthyosaurus and Plesiosaurus scattered around the fields indicate that somewhere in the Jurassic era surroundings of Harbury were buried under water.

Much later in around 500 BC Harbury was a home to Iron Age camp (although many Bronze Age cooking pots were also recovered). It is said that the place took its name from Hereburgh - a woman who ruled that Iron Age tribal society.

Since there is no castle anywhere nearby I naturally ended up on the cemetery next to the church.

The village is filled with attractive cottages, friendly pubs and delightful trees. Crown Inn on Crown Street serves good food and fine ale. Ideal place to have a rest after a long walk around.

But the interesting stuff I found out after I came back home. The community spirit has to be strong in Harbury and the area..

Definitely a day well spent.

Hello, my name is...

2009-06-12T14:49:00.001Z

Actually after careful consideration I would change my name to Regina Phalange. Just in case (Justin Case?) I am in the air plane and we don't have a phalange.... I can always be one:)!

Point the getaway car to Luxemburg

2009-06-12T14:33:00.001Z

Jump across the channel, drive through France, cross Belgium (pop out for coffee with your cuz in Bruges) and relax in the park in Luxemburg.

My dad used to have a house in Saarbruecken, so whenever we've travelled around Europe, we stayed there for day or two popping out to those lovely places around.

Today I've realised how long ago that was. And I love Luxemburg. It's really beautiful, people are friendly, banks are big:), shopping is good and summers are lovely. And I do really miss those summers.

And Luxemburg is close to everywhere:). Step to the left you have France and Paris in an hour drive or so. Step to the right, you have a beautiful German valley of Saar. Drive an hour or so to the South and you find yourself in Swiss Alps. Go to the North and you are munching on the fresh Belgian chocolate.

Your holidays in West Europe should start there. Enjoy.

My money's on the Tasmanian devil

2009-06-11T14:58:00.001Z

I just like the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character... that's all:)

Berlin is surprisingly delightful

2009-06-11T14:55:00.001Z

When I was a kid I really didn't like Berlin. In fact I didn't like Germany at all. Berlin is the closest European capital to my home town and yet I was trying to avoid it as much as I could.

I've change my mind as an adult, when I was studying history and with the group of fellow students we went to Berlin to see Pergamon, Egyptian and Papyrus Collection Museum. And then did some shopping. Berlin is a fantastic, artistic place and I love staying there for a while on my way home.

Celebrities Live

2009-06-11T14:38:00.001Z

Working in the busy hotel has its bright sides... even not into the celebrity scene. Being at the renowned university has many positive sides and meeting famous people is one of them.

(Making this list made me realise that I will prbably will not fit them all in so just the ones on the top of my head).

Kelly Clarkson
And I am not really up to date with celebrities. To be honest I didn't know she was one of them. This ordinary gril with pony tail and baseball cup, with the skin far from perfect, looked nothing like THE Kelly Clarkson from the video clip. She was very nice and quiet. Nothing like diva. And she has lovely simle with or without make up.

Pussy Cat Dolls
As with Miss Clarkson, I first saw them in person and then on MTV. And I was shocked how tall they seem to be on the screen. In fact they are very short, although nicely dressed. But very fussy when it comes to food (one of them was changing her room service order 5 times in 20 minutes).

Joe Satriani and his wife Rubena (?)
They were also staying in our hotel. Very nice people.

John Nash
I managed to catch the glimpse of his beautiful mind at Warwick.

Late Pope John Paul II
Shook my hand in Vatican.

Gordon Brown
When he was opening new digital labs at Warwick,

Edyta Gorniak
She is one of the best singers on the Polish musical scene and she is very pretty and talented. Met her way back, at the start of her career before she even had her first album out on the fashion show. She was very sweet. Then later I saw her in the musical 'Metro' and she was awesome.

Salman Rushdie
Had a quick chat with him when he signed my book after his talk at Warwick.

Kasia Nosowska
The vocalist of Polish band 'Hey' walking down the street of my home town... Simled and waved at me, probably because I was staring at her trying to guess where have I seen that face before?

Slavoj Žižek
I will meet him very soon in London - and I think personally this is the most exciting one.

'The shock doctrine' will help pass the time

2009-06-11T13:01:00.001Z

It helped during the night I spent on Manchester Train Station so I am sure it will help with the civic duty.

As far as I know Naomi Klein was not sued for writing and publishing that book, so I am guessing (taking into account that non of us is free from bias and some sort of hidden agenda) she largely wrote the truth.

And truth is usually inconvenient or even scary. So I agree with the quote of John Le Carre (from the cover of the book) that 'The Shock Doctrine' is scary as hell.

Anyhow... I think everyone, every single person should read it. Real eye opener, very passionate and interesting book. Well recommended.

Rock always needs to be blasted

2009-05-18T23:28:00.001Z

I do like my rock.The lauder the better.

Year 2000 by Silverchair

Come on it's the Anthem of my High School Rock.

Opium by Moonspell

You need to listen to this vocal and you would know why.

One by Metallica

That solo... it's a sin to listen to it quietly.

I like to relax with a good run or a good sleep

2009-05-18T23:14:00.001Z

Because I tend to suffer from different types of stress resulting either in sudden and sharp depression or the opposite - aggressive anxiety with high level of adrenaline being pumped through my veins, I have a range of things that help me relax. Those things often contradict each other. So here we go:

London marathon sponsorship Moo MiniCard front

Usually 10 km run makes the trick. You can add the aggressive squash session (solo or with male company will keep you tired). It used to be kick boxing but this might be dangerous to your ribs and I had mine broken last summer. You can calm it down later with swimming for 40 minutes. That's for aggressive stress. For more bitchy mood I use Mundele - my best friend or my sister - also my best friend. Those are two people I can complain and moan and swear. And they will patiently listen and tell me they love me no matter what.

And for the depressive one, sleep is usually the best. The book or comedy show (anything from Fawlty Towers, through Have I got News for You to Scrubs), nice cup of tea and recommended by Nicola White Chestnut drops - they really work. And yes... writing my usual rubbish helps as well.

If only Coventry were closer to Glasgow

2009-05-08T14:01:00.001Z

I will be closer to my sister.

Also I would put closer together: Carlisle, Atlanta, Vancouver, Bruges, Frankfurt, Stargard and Coventry and I have my happy life with my family:) Dream on.

I'd fit in well in 'Fight Club'

2009-05-08T13:31:00.001Z

Aggressive, fussy, revolutionary, crazy and trained a bit in Aikido and Kick-boxing

Perfect best friend for Tyler Durden.

My childhood arch enemy

2009-05-07T09:32:00.001Z

Her name was Iza (from Izabela) and she was a terrorist.

In fact she wasn't a terrorist. She was also 10 years old and was my class mate.

Looking at her from the perspective of time, I cannot stop but admiring her. I have no idea from where this 10 year old, rather ugly and not very smart kid, had this enormous manipulative power over each and every person in my class.

She was making our lives a living hell up to year 7. I think later on I stopped giving a toss but I must say it ended up with an act of violence from my part.

Yet, she is now a very beautiful woman and a mum herself, married to her school sweet heart so she is not all that bad I guess. Certainly we were stupid to be scared of her and letting her influence us so much.

You must respect your enemies eh?

Pot noodles is a tasty 'broke meal'? Em...no.. but I had to eat something. Anything?

2009-05-04T20:42:00.001Z

See me in Tesco looking for those? That's not a credit crunch.

It could mean one of two things.

Myojo Ramen Char Mee + Korean Kimchi Noodle - Win Sam Chinese Grocery, Glen Waverley

Either I've lost my bank card or someone in finance department fu**ed my payroll.

Either way, not having access to my account I would use those pennies scattered around my pockets, drawers, purses and whatnots to buy myself a hot meal.

Fortunately doesn't happen any more (touch wood) but trust me. I still cannot stand the smell of pot noodles after so many years.

Let me tell you about the duality of my nature since I'm both a cat and a dog person

2009-05-04T20:27:00.001Z

I'd like to think about myself as a cat person, yet after giving it a thought I must say I am both. And in the past I also had both cats and dogs.

Why a cat? First and foremost I like the low maintenance aspect. And it's because of my crazy busy life style, when I am almost never at home. And when I eventually find my way there I am feeling lazy. Cat needs quick fixes of food, love and attention but most of the time is capable of taking a good care of itself. I cherish their independence, attitude and ways a cat can show you love and respect. How much I used to love those little presents each morning - fresh supply of not-yet-dead but still not-very-alive frogs, mice and birds in the bottom of my bed.

I like their noise too. Everyone having a cat is probably aware of these sounds when it positions itself on your lap or tummy and purrs away, putting all your internal organs and your bones in vibration. There should be some sort of research proving those vibrations to have a healing abilities. I am almost sure they have.

I appreciate cats' clean life style. They are clean, they look good and this is what they seem to care about. Nothing more.

But the sweetest thing is when the cat slips into the 'parallel-dimension' state. Do you know what I am talking about? This is when the puss rolls its paws under its body and closes its eyes. You can be sure it's living a different life in the alternative universe and almost cease to react to outside world. My vivid imagination, eh? But I am sure there is something magical and mystical almost beyond materialistic about the cats.

I love dogs because they are not cats. They need your focus, they can't deal without your love. They have to be acknowledged.They are your friends. They keep you fit, they take you for long walks and make sure you have fun with them. They jump above your head when you are playing with them with sticks.They are faithful and caring. They will never let you down. They jump with you to the river from the bridge and swim with you amongst pissed off swans. You are on the first place in their life. They are your protectors. And they always miss you.

OK OK... I say 'they' but I do realise not all dogs are like that. Mine is. And when I say 'dog' I always have Sandro in mind. My black and white spaniel who is waiting for me to come home so he could die in peace. He wouldn't leave without saying good bye. And I so don't want to let him go.

Please get Smelly Cat out of my head

2009-04-04T07:45:00.003Z

'Smelly cat, smelly cat... what are they feeding you.

Smelly cat, smelly cat... it's not your fault'

Smelly Cat by Phoebe

I get most of my news from the Internet only

2009-03-31T22:35:00.002Z

For ages now.

I guess is the quickest and the most accessible. And green, lets face it.

I usually start from the BBC although it annoys me when it comes to World News. It's good for local news though. Then I guess it will be ynet and then whatever the news reader brings me.

Other than that.... well I do watch Press TV to get the view from 'the other side' and Al Jazeera English and honestly I think it's the best news channel in the world.

Papers and Magazines I am buying only when I have to. Used to read Guardian, the Times (only for law reviews) but my favourite is Independent. Ah yes... I do read Daily Mail from time to time for fun. And it's free in my Fitness Club. Otherwise I wouldn't spent a penny on this crap.

I could eat nothing but Japanese for a year...or more

2009-03-30T18:09:00.002Z

It is not wishful thinking. It is reality. I know. I've checked.

Lunch @ Dake Sushi by wEnDaLicious

Japanese. 100%. Feed me Sushi, Udon, Sea Weed and Wasabi Peas. And I will be happy.

The Children of Noisy Village brings me back

2009-03-28T12:46:00.002Z

I think it's the first book I remember reading and being read to me.

I had to be very, very small since at the time we were still living my first house. And my younger sister was not even born at the time nor was my mum pregnant. And since there is 5 years difference between us I had to be less then 5. And because we moved when I was 4, then I had to be more or less 3 at the time.

The fact I started reading relatively early I owe my mum who was a teacher and the librarian as well as my 9 years older sister who taught me many things.

This book reminds me of this very careless time, it reminds me about white, plane-shaped kite my dad gave me and reminds me about the noise the kite was making on the wind when dad was trying to teach me how to make it fly high in the sky. It reminds about my first driving lesson at the age of 3, sitting on my dad's lap behind the steering wheel (I know, very responsible). It reminds me about big, black dog named Cygan ('Gipsy' - I know, very politically incorrect). I remember honey bees and hives in the garden behind the bush not far from my playground where my dad build us a swing.

An I remember we had loads of swallows. Millions of them each spring and summer. And that they could be very noisy. And that my mum was telling me that when they fly low, close to the ground, it means it's going to rain.

And one day my mum and my sister brought me a little baby swallow that fell down the nest and they allowed me to hold it for a while. And they put back to the nest, making sure that the parents will not reject her. Her? I don't know. I think it was she-swallow.

I remember this book inspired me to have my own business - selling stones and rocks, which as you can imagine, was not very profitable and successful entrepreneurship. Yet you didn't have to invest much initially, perhaps maybe some time, but at that stage I had it in abundance.

Isn't that strange that in all your childhood memories the sun is always shining? Even when it was a winter. Even at night. Does that mean you had happy childhood? Yes I certainly think I couldn't have a better one.

Making out in Poland

2009-03-25T22:26:00.002Z

Being 14. What a nasty, wonderful age.

It was shocking, unexpected, horrifying experience.
When I was 14 I couldn't think about boys in this 'sexual' or 'romantic' way. Growing up, from the age of 5, I was surrounded by boys and they were always my mates with whom I played with plastic guns, climbed trees and pretending to be Robin Hood, locking ourselves up in the lift extension to scare our neighbours and with whom I had regular fights - any physical contact I could possibly think of.
It was one of those mates (named Arthur) I was growing up with that called me 'for-a-second' in private. I honestly thought he would talk to me about a new prank that we were about to arrange. And then he kissed me or rather grabbed me and pushed this tongue in my mouth. It could only end up one way... and it did... when he let me go I punched him in the face and left. We have never spoken about it afterwards and naturally he never attempted to do it again. Thanks Zorro. Looking at it from the perspective of time he wasn't really a great kisser. On the other hand, me lacking any experience and being taken by total surprise, I wasn't particularly responsive neither.
I think that that experience ended my childhood and boys were no longer my mates from that time on.

My bucket list starts with: Learn Irish traditional dance

2009-03-24T06:22:00.002Z

Just 5? I hope I will have time for more. Far more.

Learn Irish traditional dance
Not only do the dance seem to be an excellent workout, but the music that goes with it set me up automatically in the great mood. And the sooner I do this the better chances I do it well.

Go for my dreamed Euroasia trip
I have always dreamed about taking a car (or trans Siberian Railway) and travel across East Europe and Asia. On the way back I should see Middle East and then Africa.
East was always tempting for me more than the West.

Learn Sinhala
If this is ever going to be possible, since all the letters (I think 52 altogether look the same for me). But who said I need to be able to read it. Speaking is enough. And why Sinhala? I want to understand what is my husbands family saying to my kids:).
Under this point I would also like to mentioned being fluent in Hebrew, German, Scottish Gaelic and perhaps learn French... or Arabic... or Japanese.... or all of them.

Get a motor bike
And drive around Europe.

Having entirely environmentally friendly house
It will be great having self-sufficient and independent household. Only then you can really say you are the queen of your castle. And if you can make it all 'green' that's even better.

the debate that never will be concluded (part 1)

2009-03-22T08:14:00.006Z

Please see this first: FOR THE CLIP PLEASE CLICK HERE

It angers me every time that there are no two points of view presented in media. Therefore I decided to address some points myself. I encourage debate, but please do not try to prove I am racist. I am in the interracial relationship and I remind you that islam is not a race. If you then later accuse me of being islamophobic, then I would like to remind you that the old Greek word 'phobos' from which phobia came into existence in English language, means 'irrational fear'. And I don't have any irrational fears. I do not fear islam also. I criticise it. And that is very different from malicious falsehood or defamation. So.. here we go:

1. No one asks muslimah to take her head cover off. The issue here is not something that you wear or not on your head. The issue is in the covering of face, which in western culture is associated with crime and dishonesty. Facial identification is very important in the western culture and therefore we hold our ID documents (such as driving licence, passport, student card and so on) with our pictures on it. Face is necessary for the person to participate fully in the society. It is embedded to this extend that evolutionarily human beings have a separate part of brain responsible for recognising the faces solely. Face is also not regarded as a sexual or intimate part of one's body.
On the religious grounds (although personally, 'religious grounds' are not valid for me) there is no obligation to cover the face and the tradition of wearing niqab is pre-islamic.
So the 'hat' or the 'coat' in the Umm Farisa's argument shows only, that she doesn't understand the rationale behind the Jack Straw's statement.

Otherwise, she will acknowledge the fact that 'hoodies' were banned in many places in the UK on similar grounds. Yet Umm Farisa has to remember that one of the 7/7 bombers escaped from London dressed up as a woman, in niqab to prevent himself being recognised as terrorist and brought to justice.

2. Umm Farisa declares in her statement that laws of Britain directly harm muslims, which must not be taken seriously. Umm Farisa is trying to say that Muslims in Britain were unlawfully arrested and interrogated which is far from th truth, as all the cases in the recent years were related to terrorism and people arrested were charged and in most cases found guilty. Unna Farisa forgets multiple at temps of muslims to commit mass murder on innocent people on the British soil (some of which were successful), therefore it is largely justified by the state to use extraordinary measures to protect the general public. No other religious groups were targeted as no other religious and non-religious groups (whether christian, jews, hindu, sikh, atheists) pose a threat to the society and security of the state.

3. Statement about racism. Islam is not a race (which you can observe in the clip itself as two women are of European origin and the other one is of Asian origin, so automatically there is nothing 'racial' about islam). Similarly, niqab has nothing to do with the race. So this argument is simply silly and might be easily dismissed.

4. Piercings, tattoos and so on, they do not hide the person's identity and do not build the physical wall between the person and the environment. However in Britain itself they are certain laws referring to the tattoos. Therefore one would not legally get a tattoo on one's hands and face. There are also employment regulations refining to tattoos, body piercing and jewellery.

5.Unfortunately, the examples given by Umm Farisa, only show the true reaction of British society to the niquab. And this reaction in the light what I said before, is only natural. People do not feel comfortable talking to the person who can see them, but on the other hand they cannot see the person wearing niquab.

The other muslim woman in the program stated that the 'sister who wears niquab can go about her business as usual' and that might be true. However the issue here is not about the 'sister'. The issue is about the wider community. British society doesn't have a tradition of covering faces. On the contrary. I understand that some people willingly want to go against the society and general standards and that's OK. I understand that some people feel they don't want to follow the crowd and subject themselves to the 'rule of majority', they do not to adapt to the rest of the society. This however does not give them right to claim that society must adapt to them. And so their decision carries consequences (people stare, people refuse to talk or deal with you) - all those things and the true reasons for which a women decides to wear niqab in the free society, where she is not forced or obliged to do so. And pleasing the Allah is not a reason here. I would like to give you and example of the comedian reasoning (perfectly logical) that if your creator wanted you to cover your face, he/she/it will facilitate you with the flap of sling for the purpose. But let's not go there. It's really hard for me to imagine on the personal level, why the almighty god, the creator, the most powerful will demand wearing in this or that to be pleased, form the dust (read us).

But I can accept that the faith has nothing to do with logic and some how the person is convinced that the god wants this or that from him/her. Wasn't that what Pope Urban said referring to the Crusades: ' This is what God wants'. Well of course, a bit far fetched to know the mind of almighty?

I cannot accept niqab as religious however. Firstly because there is a large inconsistency in muslims as to what they should wear and how. So that in Britain, majority of muslims do not wear niqab and more or less 50-50 of muslim women cover their heads in one way or the other. That shows me that there is not a religious must in covering faces.
Additionally Umm Farisa mentioned that she often takes the veil off even in front of non-muslim women, but she refuses to do that on demand. So it is OK to do so when she wishes to, but when someone expects her to do so, then she throws a tantrum. She is muslim and no one should dare demand anything from her. How typical.

But this only goes to show, that islam in the minds of many muslims is an deliberate act against non-muslim society. It's searching for conflict. It's stressing the differences and expecting that the rest will adapt to you. This can never be a case.

Niqab is cultural feature, related to the climate of Saudi Arabia and not religious, being a pre-islamic tradition. Therefore the religious discrimination has to be ruled out from the argument.

6. Hatred is not put against muslims. They brought it to themselves. By bombings and killings on the British soil. By multiple attempts to mass murder and harm, by aggressive demonstrations, by demanding special privileges and by never condemning those who committed murders in the name of Islam.

'Koran' will make you LOL

2009-03-21T16:57:00.002Z

Bible, Torah, Book of Mormon, any of those.... but Koran the most.

What's so funny? Every bloody thing. The whole idea. Great laughter!
But the funniest thing ever? People actually take it as the word of god... AWESOME!

Where can I park my baby?

2009-03-21T16:52:00.002Z

I am really crazy about cars... for a girl.

A classic battle: sensible vs. indulgent - it's never an issue.
Money is.
And I think I am up for a little bit of both. So for day-to-day use I will end up with something rather small (could be even A Class, I'm not fussy).
But ultimate indulgence will be spyker. And this is what I am opting for:).

Nintendo...etc, please

2009-03-21T16:43:00.002Z

Please, don't even start on that. I am real gadget freak and I could go on and on and on about what I want. But then again.... do I really need all of this?

'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' will make you LOL

2009-03-18T12:41:00.001Z

This book will get rid of the worst depression.

When Adams was writing about the most ridiculous theories (like for instance the Field of Improbability he did so in the most scientific ways that you have to remind yourself it is in fact a science-fiction book.
And if you have seen the movie... well... sorry, you don't know the book.

The athlete in me

2009-03-17T13:15:00.002Z

Naturally running. Long distance running.
I love training for half marathon and sooner or later I would also like to take part in marathon.
My ambition is to run in the events in London and New York, however the most challenging thing ever is the maraton route in Himalayas. You have to go to Nepal for at least 20 days in advance as your body needs to adapt to different oxygen conditions. Then on the 21st day you run your marathon. This is truly my dream!

What everyone should know is that I am addicted to Nike+ and it really helps me when I am lacking the motivation.
I also created my little avatar that looks exactly like me. It runs in my net book making sure I am always in the mood for running. And yes, Nike should pay me the commission now.

I'll spend my golden years in Auckland

2009-03-17T12:38:00.002Z

Because NZ is the most wonderful country in the world and it's so far away from anything!

As I am planning to be an active Grand Ma, NZ will fit into my life style. I would travel a lot and do all those crazy sports you can do in NZ. Don't believe I will be able to? Just watch me!

' Hot n cold' will help you through a break-up

2009-03-13T13:23:00.002Z

It gets easier every time:)

Hot n cold by Kate Perry

Makes me wanna jump and smile... and it's funny as well.

she fucking hates me by Puddle of Mud

Self explanatory...:)

The roof is on fire by Bloodhound Gang

Just a funny song! And let the mother-f**ker burn!

Glad I kept the receipt... it's broken anyway

2009-03-11T20:07:00.002Z

I still have mixed feelings about this gift.

Roomba Cleaning the Living Room by fuzzcat

I got it from my ex on the Valentines Day. The question is... is it very romantic to get vacuum cleaner on the Valentines Day... even if it vacuums by itself? Uhmmmm... nope!

My advice for you... don't try it @ home

2009-03-11T19:54:00.002Z

It was in the train, I was very stressed and I accidentally met my punk friend who told me a great piece of advice.

[Tree in a rural area] (LOC) by The Library of Congress

'WEZ SIE ROZBIEGNIJ I W DRZEWO JEBNIJ!'
Unfortunately this thing does not translate. But I can tell you it involves hitting the tree at the high speed.
It made me laugh back then and makes me laugh ever since.

Probably Stonehenge is the oldest place I've been

2009-03-11T19:08:00.002Z

Well... it was either that or something in Rome.

However Stonehenge was more recent and I really enjoyed the Summer Solstice there last year.

Let me tell you what I do

2009-03-11T18:10:00.002Z

And I will use my colleague's words to describe it. One day Jamie said: Over here I am contributing to the science and technology. I help finding the cure for the cancer. Every time I advertise the job post I am doing my bit.'
I like this way of thinking. I like to think that I make people happy. On both sides. On one hand building the successful brands and on the other getting people into employment.

You can still call me your God Mother

2009-03-11T17:52:00.002Z

God Mother is my nickname partly because I am a god mother in deed and partly because I tend to sort people out with different things (jobs, contacts etc.).
You could also called me Miss Always Right, because I am always right (haha), usually basing on the intuitive gut feeling that I cannot explain (how non-academic is that!).
Sometimes you could call me Miss Hysteria, which is mostly related to the above point.
However what would describe me the best is missy Argumental addicted to internet, books and my nephews:).

My favorite line from 'Lord of the Rings'

2009-03-06T13:21:00.002Z

I know I will be cheesy, but honestly I love the book, I love the movie and those two sentences really mean a lot to me.

'All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us'.
And:
'Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.'

My trip from Stargard, Poland to Giblartar

2009-03-06T10:57:00.002Z

Oh good old days!

One of the trips we were making with my parents during the summer holidays for years. We would jump into the car and drove around Europe (and North Africa Some times) stopping in different places.
We would go back roundabout way through Portugal and Basque country. Wonder if I would be able to do it again. I wish I could.

Running keeps me in shape

2009-03-05T07:58:00.002Z

with the Nike+ Sports Band (when it decides to work and actually record my runs)

I'm trying to run 10 km+ every other day. Usually it takes me around an hour so if I have time I would do some weight training afterwards. I consider myself being a fitness freak and I especially like anything that combines cardio and weight lifting (like body pump), but also RPM, Step, tae bo.
I used to do Aikido and kick boxing. I play squash and basketball (not lately though).
Sport was always very important in my life thanks to my dad and I hope to be fit until I die:)

Where's the 'undo' button? Ctr+Z, ctrl+Z and god please ctrl+S me!

2009-03-04T05:25:00.004Z

It's nice to dream about ctrl+Z but really, going back has its own consequences.
Life has always its ups and downs. So when you are doing your good times over you cold be certain that the bad times are coming to be done over as well. Otherwise you wouldn't appreciate the good times at all.

The Elephant Vanishes by Anders B.

I think that if I could I would go back to the times when I was doing my horseback riding and was spending every day with horses. Unfortunately this will also mean that I would have to be with my ex-ex and this will be truly tragic. This would also mean that his mother would be around and this could possibly result in either suicide or homicide. So no.... can't really go back to that episode.

Perhaps I would like to go back to that hot summer of 2006, when I was staying in Redfern during my time off, reading Haruki Murakami by the window all day long, waiting for that person to come back from work. I have never loved anyone that much before or after.
Only I can really tell how much this would mean to me.
Gosh.... anything to go back and do it over.... anything.

I wish I could get a new roommate

2009-03-02T16:53:00.002Z

I don't want to get into details of what other things I would like to change. I will tell you about one!

My flatmate is really nice. She is quiet, pleaseant and lovely. Until she starts cooking. The smell of her cooking is unbearable and recalls anything between very sweaty armpits, dirty feet and unwashed socks, teenage boy's gym bag left under the bed after intense workout that happened two months before, spoiled fish, old eggs, raw meat left on the sun for 2 weeks and god knows what else.

Anyone who was visiting me knows exactly what I am talkig about. And I am far from exaggeration.

Reading 'Book of Mormon' opened my eyes... all religions are fake

2009-02-28T02:23:00.002Z

I do realise I will probably offend many people. Please note however that I am also easily offended. Especially by stupidity and irrational claims.

Now I will tell you about the Book of Moron... woops... Mormon I mean, which I started reading after a friend of a friend announced he is converting. Obviously, only several people know, how badly he wanted to fuck that girl... yes.. that badly.

Before reading this book I considered myself being agnostic. And then it struck me... let's describe it as the divine prophecy (for the sake of the argument) as for that very split second god started to exist as I imagined him in my mind. And he said: You shall not read this bollocks! Or any other bollocks like it.

So I stopped and the god disappeared. The moment I stopped thinking about him he ceased to exist.

In other words god told me he didn't exist in the first place.

But now seriously. Why would I have say stuff like this to convince people I am right? Well it is because I have no authority in the eyes my brothers and sisters. I would have to create the god, become his prophet and then perhaps some insane maniac or two will believe me. The rest will be taken by force or fear, or fear of force. Or both.

The most important thing is to start breeding children that will have no choice as they will be brainwashed from the early beginning without even knowing the alternative.

If Moses came back from the mountain and said to the children of Israel:

Guys listen. I've been thinking and figured that it will be awesome to our community not to kill each other, not to steal from each other and fuck each other's wives.

And they would be like:

Yeah.. whatever mate. I'm not bovvered.

But back it up with god and his fury and his anger, and his fire and his storm and his thunder, then perhaps those fearful morons will stick to the rules or at least try to follow them.

When I finished the book with my usual attitude (it's really hard to please me, my ex could tell you something about it), I couldn't believe that people actually bought it. And why?

And then suddenly, as if the angel of god whispered those words straight to my ear, I understood - the only reason was to back up the cruelty towards Blacks and native Americans by having the divine explanation to justify killing and slavery. Additionally, it would give the white man the sense continuity of their superior, chosen race on the continent. It will give them their history.

Unfortunately, as we might already know, the archaeological evidence not only does not back up the story, but openly denies it.

Outrageous, I thought. Torah and the Bible and even Koran (for argument's sake, as the Christianity was in fact the jewish sect initially, whereas the only thing relating islam to the above is pure plagiarism plus some nomadic hocus pocus), anyway... for argument's sake those religions have places described in their holy texts so that the person can relate to them.

And then I started thinking... well can we really? Is the basilica of nativity build in bethlehem, really the place where jesus was born? Can we really say for certain, if we cannot even establish the actual date of his birthday? (Oh yes, it's like somewhere between 100BC and 100 AC - great!). Can we really say all this rubbish, not even having historical document clearly showing us that the person existed? Isn't it funny we know nothing of the miracle maker, king of jews from Roman documents, since as we know the were obsessed with documenting everything almost like nazisits?

Come on I challenge you. Show me one proof that the jesus actually was. And perhaps you also know the name of the person who took a look between his mother's legs to determine she was in fact a virgin?

muslims, don't rejoice I argue with christians now, because if they won't prove me wrong, that takes away a massive chunk of your own religion and goes...whoosh... straight to the bin.

Plus bad news, there will be no second coming. Just because the first never happen, so... good luck with waiting. I tell you what will happen and no... that wasn't the message from the angelic messenger. In 5 billion years (more or less... mhm...1 million ok?) the Sun will start dying and the Earth will die with it. Not even in the second stage. The Earth will be burned instantly. But then again, having a strong faith in my brothers and sister of this world, they will not let it happen. Instead, they will fuck it up to all of us, far sooner, perhaps in your or mine life time.

Anyway, having a long story short, the Book of Mormon made me a real hardcore atheist. Transformed me from undecided, 'searching', spiritual agnostic to the person that found and does not need more answers from the religion any more. The person who is positive about every word she says regarding god, religion, faith and all the feelings to those related.

It showed me the real processes behind the creation of any religion, whether it was 2000, 4000 or 200 years ago.

No divine inspiration, not a touch of holy spirit. Nothing like that.

And you? See what Book of Mormons can do

Nestlé - Condensed Milk always soothes me when I'm stressed

2009-02-27T21:09:00.002Z

not eating at all

However I very much like Nestle condensed milk in squeeze tube.

Reminds me of my childhood when I had tonnes of... well sweet milk in the tube? Awesome if you need sudden energy boost.

Prague is great for drinks with an old friend if you must stay in Cov

2009-02-27T20:47:00.002Z

With my old friends, we would usually end up in Birmingham (especially areas between Arcadian - Indi or Las Iguanas, Chinese Quarter, Mailbox - this gorgeous Indian place with awesome cocktails and Broad Street - Revolution, ending in Brindley Place - most likely in Pitcher&Piano), Leamington Spa (City of Lemmings - loads of places around the Parade), Warwick (Brasserie close to the castle, alternatively Saxon Mill just outside the town) or even Stratford upon Avon (especially with Manuel:).

But Prague is very special for me and my best friend. We can say that this is the place our friendship started several years ago.

We met each other on the Globalisation of World Politics seminar and although we were not really close beck then, one day we decided to go on road trip and visit her friends in York, which ultimately ended up as 3 days of non stop parting and began our partying marathon that lasted for 3 or 4 months (who would remember? We were drunk most of the time).

But of course Moritz would not be Moritz if she wasn't late for the coach, so we had to wait for another one that was due to arrive in 4 hours.

We ended up in Prague, drinking red wine and telling each other about our lives. This is how it all started.

Ahhh... I should also mentioned unexpected striptease (something not usual to Prague) ordered by a party celebrating their mate's birthday. I need to add that the girl was truly horrible and the stuff she did to the poor guy was really awful (including sitting on his face).

However we had real fun as had the rest of the party.

Prague tends to be a quiet place with soft music and lovely cocktails as well as nice staff. And because it is not very large even when it's crowded it's not really busy. If you know what I mean.

Having in mind that Coventry is not particularly good place to go out, if you are sent there, Prague is a defo for relaxing time:)

It's never OK to lie, yet we all lie

2009-02-27T16:37:00.002Z

Sometimes you are forced to lie, because people demand that from you.

The worst thing however is to lie to yourself and pretending you are not.

Home made dumplings (Pierogi) would go in my care package to an overseas friend

2009-02-27T15:52:00.002Z

Home made dumplings (Pierogi)
Perogi are a 'defo' for my best friend. She just loves them.

Polish Vodka
Vodka accompanies pierogi.... she would be in 7th heaven.

Netbook with mobile internet
So she could enjoy our idol: Mrs. Basia Kwarc from the block:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcZtQehkb9E

and naturally chat to me in our Ponglish dialect.

Radio
This would be set up to receive only one true station Radio Maryja by father Rydzyk.
I am sure it would cease her homesickness in no time!:)

I recommend checking out so called 'Bermuda Triangle' in Poland when you're in Karpacz Górny in Polsih Karkonosze Mountains.

2009-02-27T11:44:00.002Z

No one knows what that thing is and I myself heard many possible explanations. Some say it is a kind of gravity disruption.

In order to observe the phenomenon, you need to find the Strazacka Street, where you stop your car, turn your engine off and suddenly your car starts driving up the hill against the laws of physics.

And yes... Poland feels like 'another country' right now.

If I could tame a wild animal

2009-02-25T15:21:00.002Z

Lion would keep me busy.

Leutjes by belgianchocolate

This is not because I was crying like a child watching the clip on Christian the Lion (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tdd6-o00Tc) although that too perhaps.

But as a child I had a rare opportunity to be around two lion cups and there were adorable.

I would also like to keep a bird of prey and the eagle would be awesome. Yet the talking starling would do for now as well.

Swords should make a comeback

2009-02-24T14:50:00.002Z

Carry in on your back. Carry it on the side. Attach one to your horse or bike:)

It's a beautiful piece of weapon that requires a skill and strength to use. You cannot hide it in the side pocket like coward hides his knife. On the contrary, you have to carry it in open and you do so with pride. You earn your respect by using it in a good way or for not using it at all.

At the end, any pussy can shoot the gun. Right?

Three overplayed songs I love anyway - 3 of many to be honest

2009-02-23T12:35:00.002Z

I am this kind of person, who listents to songs over and over again, sometimes I end up playing the same song 20 times on the row. Until I either get used to it or simply get boread.

But there is a group of songs that never gets me bored, and these below are only 3 of those.

Feeling good by Muse

This is what-you-hear-is-what-you-get type of song and gives you instant injection of positive energy. And the vocal and guitars are moving. Intense, well written and well played. Could listen to it over and over again.

Hot N Cold by Katy Perry

This is just a funny song that makes me dance (well... jump around really) and sing along.

Snow by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Dr. Dre said once that the intro in this song was made purposely for everyone to have time to say: 'Awwww... Snow...', before the actual song starts...

And I agree... I don't know anyone who wouldn't react like that to 'Snow'. Instant mood up-lifetr. Always brings good memories to my mind and for some strange reason I always associate the Song with Martin A. Brooks.... Zorro knows why... And it's good for long distance running.

Religious song from the atheists

2009-02-15T11:35:00.002Z

Song for today: